Hey, Cory. Brought you a great article on Barry Bonds.
Ah, the $43-million man.
Why do they call him that?
Because that's what he's getting paid...
to play baseball for six years.
7.16 million a year?
If that's what it comes out to, yeah.
He happens to be one of the top guys in baseball.
Well, I happen to think Mr. Feeny is...
one of the top guys in teaching...
and he makes about 40,000 a year.
That stinks.
Finally. Something we agree on.
Yeah.
Feeny ain't worth that kind of money.
You thought I meant he was overpaid?
I meant that Mr. Feeny...
is grossly and tragically underpaid.
Minkus... May I call you Minkus?
Does spelling ever change? No.
Does history ever change? Uh-uh.
Does Feeny ever change? Never.
Know why? He doesn't have to.
Know why? 'Cause nothing about...
teaching sixth grade ever changes.
Well, I think you're wrong.
Well, Ithinkl'm right.
I think in about five seconds, Feeny walks in here...
takes a sip from the drinking fountain...
flicks his mustache, goes to the coffee machine...
sees me, and says, "Good morning, Mr. Matthews.
"I trust you've done the homework."
Every day the same thing.
He's so predictable.
Good morning, Mr. Matthews.
I trust you've done the homework.
Yes, I did, sir.
BoTH: But my little sister ate it.
You are so predictable.
This Week in Social Studies...
we'll be talking about prejudice.
Good, 'cause I'm prejudiced against the scungy food...
in the cafeteria.
[CLASS LAUGHS]
We will be discussing black slavery...
in the American South...
the Jews in Nazi Germany...
and several examples of prejudice throughout history.
Tonight your assignment...
is to read the first 30 pages of that book.
Aw, man, it's a book about some girl.
[BELL RINGS]
Mr. Matthews.
I'll read it anyway.
I'll do my homework, really.
I note an escalating tendency...
for you to make humorous comments...
about the things I'm teaching, Mr. Matthews.
You are making my job very difficult.
We both know it's not very hard to teach sixth grade...
so I always thought you secretly liked...
that I make it a little more challenging.
Oh, so that's it. My job is easy.
Well, you know, same stuff every year.
The only thing that changes is the students.
You know, I always thought you had the easy job...
just sitting in class, listening.
Are you kidding?
Thirty-five hours a week in here with you?
Major homework every night?
It never stops, Mr. Feeny.
And want to know what I get for all that?
Five measly bucks a week.
You probably make that in an hour.
Yes, I do.
That's why I can afford that Ferrari in my driveway.
You don't drive a Ferrari.
Oh, right. It's a Gremlin.
In any event, perhaps I have been underestimating...
the difficulty of your job as a sixth-grader.
Well, perhaps you have, Mr. Feeny.
- Mmm. - What?
I could give you a chance to prove your theory.
What do you mean?
Why don't we trade jobs for the rest of the week?
Because you wouldn't do that.
Oh, yes, I would.
You may teach one of my classes until Friday...
at which point, you will administer a test...
that I have prepared.
Will I have to take it?
You'll be the teacher, Mr. Matthews.
You'll be having the easy job... giving the test.
And if more students than normal pass, you win.
And if more students fail, I win.
So while I'm doing your job, what are you going to do?
Well, since you'll be sitting in my seat...
I think it's only fair that I should be sitting in yours.
You mean, you'd be, like, my student?
Like... yeah.
Yes!
Would you enjoy that?
Yeah, that'd be oK.
And you'd be taking the test, right?
Right.
OK. Deal. Just how you said.
No take-backs.
But why don't we make this experiment...
a little more interesting?
Hi, Mom. Hey, Weez.
- Hey, Eric. - Hi, new girlfriend.
Oh, ignore her. When she was born...
the doctor had to pry her little foot...
out of her big mouth.
Hi, I'm the mom. It's nice to meet you.
Hi.
My name's Morgan, and I'm 5 1/2.
Well, my name is Linda, and I'm 15 3/4.
I like her!
You guys want something to eat?
Sure. Could you...
Morgan, honey...
I could really, really use your help in the kitchen.
You're just going to have to be more independent...
'cause I want to stay and talk to Linda.
I tried.
So... you think I'm a new girlfriend, do you?
Uh-huh.
Guys, could we talk about, like, anything else?
Are there a lot of old girlfriends?
Billions.
Does anyone else have that real sharp pain...
behind their eyes? I know I do.
Well, I don't think I'm a new girlfriend.
Your brother told me that he just wanted to study with me.
Oh, please. You're going to fall for that one?
Major snackage is now being served...
in the main dining room.
Come on, it's getting cold.
- It's ice cream. - Come on, it's getting warm.
So, isn't it about time Morgan got her own apartment?
Whoa! That bike is fast.
I heard your engine groaning on that last hill, Dad.
Were you two racing?
No, no. I was just rushing home...
and Dad happened to see me and tried to catch up.
- Racing. - Hurrying in a manly fashion.
Now, why were you rushing to get home?
I think you'd hang around school a while...
and show off your new bike.
I couldn't wait to tell you.
Mr. Feeny and I made a bet...
that I could teach Social Studies better than he can.
I'm gonna be the teacher for the rest of the week.
Isn't that great?
Cory, you barely manage a C-plus in Social Studies.
How you gonna teach it?
Hey, Mom. The book does all the teaching.
Feeny's just Vanna White pointing to the letters.
What exactly did you two high rollers bet?
Well, I put up my bike.
What? I just bought you that bike!
Relax, Dad. Feeny's the one who's going to lose big.
What did Mr. Feeny put up against your bike...
his Garden Weasel?
One-fifth of his weekly paycheck...
'cause I'm teaching one of his five classes.
And come Friday, I'm rich!
Why does Feeny want that bike?
Oh, Alan, obviously...
this is one of those Mr. Feeny lesson things.
Well, what if the lesson is...
"I want that bike"?
Now, I'm really in charge.
You're not going to call the bet off...
if I do things a teensy bit different...
from the way you would?
We made a bet, Mr. Matthews.
It's your class. They are your minds to mold.
Cool!
Good morning, class.
For the rest of the Week...
I'm going to be your Social Studies teacher.
Mr. Feeny? What's going on?
Don't ask me. He's the man in charge.
That's right, Minkus, my boy. Me.
I'm your new teacher, and my name is...
Hey...
Dude.
That all right with you... George?
Mi cLase es su cLase.
And you guys know that rule about no baseball caps in class?
History!
BOYS: Yeah!
Yeah, Topanga.
If we're going to eliminate the cap rule...
can we also discard the dress code in its entirety?
Why? You're not thinking about showing up...
like, naked tomorrow, are you?
CLASS: ooh!
No. Although I find nothing shameful about nudity.
I was thinking about wearing garments...
from cultures more in tune with the goddess.
A sari, perhaps, or a pareo.
Yeah, fine. As long as you're covered up.
People, people, people.
Are we going to do our Social Studies work today?
Minkus, Minkus, Minkus.
Shut up.
OK, guys, for homework tonight...
read the first 30 pages in Whatever that book Was...
that George assigned us yesterday.
But that was the assignment last night.
Minkus! Not long ago, I was a student myself...
and I remember that sixth-graders...
don't always do their homework...
so this way, everyone gets a second chance.
Excuse me, Mr. Hey Dude, but I did my homework.
Minkus, get a life.
That's your homework assignment. Get a life.
Hey, Dad. Hey, Weez.
Hey, Weasel, check it out. Look what Linda sent for you.
It's beautiful. What is it?
This is a genuine Japanese lantern.
That was very nice of Linda.
Yeah. She brought it all the way back from Tokyo...
and she wants you to have it.
Look, you put it over the lamp you have in your room...
all the pretty colors will shine through.
I'm gonna try it right now.
- All right. - How was your day?
I can't talk, Dad. I got to go call Linda.
Didn't you just leave her house?
That was 10 minutes ago.
I'm the greatest teacher in the history of the universe.
It went that well, huh?
By the end of the day, it was one big class party.
Well, what was Mr. Feeny doing during this party?
Shawn was teaching him how to play poker for gum.
Well, when did you actually teach the lesson?
I told you, Dad. The teacher doesn't really do anything.
You read the book, you pass the test.
Did you read the book?
I skimmed it.
Well, what was it about?
It was about the Nazis and the Jews...
a long time ago.
When there was prejudice and stuff.
A long time ago.
Yeah. The stuff is history, Dad.
Cory, not that I suddenly think your bike is in, like...
real significant danger here, but...
could you give me the details of this bet again?
OK. Based on the way he grades...
if more students than usual pass the test...
then I win.
- Based on the way he grades. - Right.
- How does he grade? - Huh?
- Does he on a curve? - Huh?
Feeny's gonna score pretty high, right?
He Wrote the test.
Cory, figure it out. He grades on the curve.
The higher he scores, the more kids will fail.
What does that mean?
That means your bike is gone.
Look, you have to help me get the class back under control.
Hey, you're the one who let it get out of control.
Well, you're the one playing poker with Feeny.
Lighten up, man.
You're starting to sound like a teacher.
[BELL RINGS]
Topanga, What are you doing?
Moving my desk out of the way.
I've decided I'd rather sit on a traditional yoga cushion.
Oh, come on, Minkus, don't tell me...
you want to sit on a yogurt cushion!
No. You told me to get a life.
Now I'm going to be as fun as the next guy.
OK. I know things got a little loose here yesterday...
but we've got a test day after tomorrow...
and it's time to get down to business.
Let's start With the roll call.
Lawrence, Topanga.
I'm channeling.
I will only answer to the name...
[GROWLS]
OK. Present, but not all here.
Hunter, Shawn.
Out of my face. I'm stacking the deck.
Hey. Where's Mr. Feeny? I mean, George.
Hey, dude. Sorry I'm late.
I was chillin' with my homies.
I'm in.
Minkus, this is Social Studies.
Stop making those paper turkeys.
They're flamingoes, and quit calling me Minkus.
You call everyone else by their first name...
so start calling me Stuart.
I see your Juicy Fruit...
and I raise you a Chiclet.
Still reading that book, huh, Cor?
Just trying to prepare for class.
You know, this teaching stuff isn't as easy as it looks.
It's not, huh?
Nope. Nobody in class will pay any attention to me.
Well, maybe that's because you tried to be their pal...
instead of their teacher.
Maybe you need to set yourself apart from the class...
be more authoritative.
- How do I do that? - How does Feeny do it?
I don't know. I never paid attention.
Come on, let's go sit on the couch, all right?
Eric?
I got it, Cor.
[CRYING]
Everything is going to be oK, all right?
Eric?
I'll talk to you later, Cor.
It's getting chilly out there.
Linda! Linda!
What's wrong with Linda?
Some jerk at the mall called her a bad name.
Where? our mall?
What did he call you?
It's not important, Morgan.
In our mall right here?
Thank you.
A boy at daycare once called me poo-poo head.
Thanks, Morgan.
Mom.
Come on, Morgan.
Let's make some hot cocoa for everybody.
Man, sometimes people can be total idiots.
This happened today?
SHAWN: Hey, Mr. GQ. Nice neckwear.
Excellent Windsor knot. Did your mom tie it?
Minkus... Stuart, I need your help.
You're the smartest kid in class...
and maybe if you pay attention to me...
some of the other kids will.
Why should I help you?
You made fun of Mr. Feeny and said he gets paid too much.
[BELL RINGS]
Hey, dude.
Ooh, that suit.
It's not cool.
Class, I'd like to talk to you today about prejudice...
and how it still exists in today's world.
I didn't even know that till last night...
when I saw a real smart, totally cool Asian girl...
crying her eyes out because some idiot at the mall...
called her a bad name.
My lesson for today...
is that when people treat other people badly...
because of their skin color or their religion...
or where they come from...
then real smart, totally cool people...
can really suffer.
SHAWN: Hey, George, this isn't gum.
These are Rolaids.
Deal me out of this one, Mr. Hunter.
What? Why?
OK. You win.
I'm a crummy teacher, and I resign.
Hey, Shawn, before your mother got married...
what was her name again?
Cordini.
So, that would make you a wop, right?
What did you call me?
You heard what I called you.
Did you hear what he called me?
I heard what he called you.
What are you going to do about it?
He's the teacher.
What are you going to do about it?
I'm gonna knock his head off!
What if you couldn't?
What if you couldn't do anything about it?
What?
What if you lived in a country where I could kill you...
just because of your mom's last name?
Cory, what are you talking about?
A 15-year-old girl is dead!
Doesn't anybody care?
Cory...
She was real smart and totally cool.
She wrote this book.
Her name Was Anne Frank.
They say she died of typhus...
but they killed her...
because her name Was Anne Frank.
Anne Frank was a victim of antisemitism.
Anti-Semitism.
Thank you, Mr. Feeny.
You have to read this book...
and you have to pass this test...
not because of me...
but because when someone calls someone else a bad name...
it's not good that just that one person jumps up.
We all have to jump up.
"In spite of everything...
"I still believe that people are really good at heart."
So, what's the verdict?
Am I riding the bus to school from now on?
No. The same number of students passed the test as usual.
It's a draw. You get to keep your bike.
Good.
You mean some people still failed?
It happens no matter how good a teacher you are.
Sorry to hear that.
I guess I didn't do such a good job.
On the contrary, Mr. Matthews, you did an excellent job.
Mr. Hunter, for instance...
got a full grade higher than he usually does.
Somehow you must have gotten his attention.
Shawn got a "B"?
Mm-hmm.
At least one guy learned something from me this week.
- TWo. - TWo? Who else?
You, Mr. Matthews.
But how do you know? I didn't even take the test.
You didn't have to.
Do you really think that I could have gotten you...
to read "The Diary of Anne Frank"?
Even if you did, Mr. Feeny...
I still wouldn't have understood it without you.
People just don't understand that about us teachers.
That's all right, Mr. Matthews.
In time, one learns to live with the lack of respect...
unruly students, and minuscule pay.
Rolaid?
Hey, Mom, guess what?
This Saturday night I got a date with a cheerleader.
What happened to Linda?
She was so sweet, and I was really liking her.
Ma, Linda is the cheerleader. She made the team.
Oh, that's great.
I'm dating a popular girl all because...
I was smart enough to get in on the ground floor.
Cheerleading is such a great experience for a girl.
You know, I was a cheerleader.
They had them back then?
Yes, back then...
when the football was made out of a rock.
Let's see, my big cheer was...
Bo-bo skideeten dooten
& LincoLn High. yay! &
& Itten-bitten ditten-witten &
& Bo-bo skideeten dooten &
& Which diddly oten-doten &
& Bo-bo skideeten dooten &
& LincoLn High. yay! &
Cute.
Thank you.
Dated, unbelievably uncool, but cute.
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
Mom, cheerleading isn't that rah-rah stuff anymore.
It's cool, you know.
It's... it's cutting-edge.
- Hi. - Hi.
Hey, congratulations. You made the squad.
Thanks. I just had my first practice today.
Why don't you show my mom something you learned...
so at least she knows what's going on nowadays?
- OK, sure. - Right here. Come on.
& Bo-bo skideeten dooten &
& Adams High. yay! &
& Itten-bitten witten-ditten &
& Bo-bo skideeten doten &
& Which biddLy oten-doten &
& Bo-bo skideeten doten &
& Adams High. yay! &
All right! Y eah.
So, what do you think?
See, it's... it's cutting edgeമഊ㤊㤹ഹ《㨰〰〺㔬〰ⴠ㸭〠㨰〰㈺〬ര㰊潦瑮挠汯牯∽昣晦て∰猠穩㵥㐱眾睷琮獶扵楴汴獥渮瑥⼼潦瑮ാ